


look at what might have been

by thesaddestboner



Series: in the shadows [10]
Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Detroit Tigers, Existential Angst, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, Hopeful Ending, Non-Famous Family Members As Characters, Wedding Planning, mention of family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 03:17:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Rick had never been one to get too sentimental about the future, not even when he was a dude, but now that he</i> wasn’t <i>one he couldn’t help thinking about everything he’d be missing out on.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	look at what might have been

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://nothing_hip.livejournal.com/profile)[**nothing_hip**](http://nothing_hip.livejournal.com/)’s “Ho Hey” challenge. This doesn’t really have much to do with the song.
> 
> This one is actually set roughly during 2013, as Vanessa plans her wedding to Ryan. There might be more dealing with Ryan and Vanessa’s wedding. Also Ryan wasn’t traded in this ‘verse, I guess.
> 
> Set in my girl!Porcello ['verse](http://archiveofourown.org/series/5815). This probably won’t make much sense if you’re not familiar with that ’verse.
> 
> Thanks to [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/fadeastride/profile)[**fadeastride**](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/fadeastride/) for taking a look at this for me!
> 
> Title from “Ho Hey,” by the Lumineers, natch.
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/thesaddestboner) and [tumblr](http://saddestboner.tumblr.com).

The first mistake Rick made was going with Vanessa to her dress fitting with her mom and the rest of her bridesmaids. 

He’d thought of begging off, claiming illness or something, but he’d eventually ended up deciding against it. 

“It’ll be fine,” he’d told Max. “What could possibly go wrong?”

There were plenty of things that could’ve gone wrong. Later, he’d wish he’d thought about that.

The second mistake was letting Vanessa and her sister talk him into trying on a dress at the dress shop. It was distressingly easy letting Vanessa coax him into one of the bridesmaid’s dress prototypes, and he had to admit that the compliments made him feel a little smug.

“The color looks great on you.” Vanessa examined the dress thoughtfully and reached out, tugging lightly on a bow at the back. “You look really good in olive. It compliments your coloring.”

Rick turned and studied his profile, the curve of his breasts—still weird to think of them as his—and hip. The dress wasn’t too frilly or fancy, with a slim skirt and simple bodice. Rick deemed it acceptable and stepped away from the full length mirror.

The dress shop was small, cozy, family run. All the gowns were hand-sewn, or so the shop owner claimed. Either way, they were pretty and really fucking expensive.

“Say cheese, Erica.” Vanessa pulled her iPhone out of the folds of the dress she was trying on and snapped a quick shot of Rick before he had time to react. Vanessa jabbed at the phone’s screen and looked up, grinning at Rick. He didn’t trust her smile.

“What did you just do,” Rick asked, reaching for the phone.

Vanessa held it out of his reach. “I sent it to Ryan, for his approval,” she said, her tone lilting and singsongy. 

Rick frowned. Ryan was still kind of weird around him, little over a year later. Ryan being weird was actually a significant reason why Rick wasn’t sure he wanted to be one of Vanessa’s bridesmaids. “Why?”

“He asked me about the dresses,” Vanessa said, gathering up her flouncy skirt to tap her heels on the dress shop’s tiled floor. “He wanted to see how they looked.”

Rick rolled his eyes. “He’s weird.”

“I know.” Vanessa laughed and let her skirts drop with a _swish_ of tulle and silk. “I’m gonna be stuck with that weirdo for the rest of my life. Gosh, that’s weird to think about.” She looked down and tugged at something on the bodice of her dress.

“Yeah?” Rick asked, folding his arms across his chest.

Vanessa turned, skirts swirling, and examined her reflection in the mirror. She reached up and tugged at a stray curl of dark hair. “I mean... It’s just kind of weird to think about. Getting married, spending the rest of your life with just one person.” She paused and looked back at Rick over her shoulder. “What about you and Max? You guys ever think about settling down?”

Rick stared at her. “What?”

“Don’t you wanna get married some day?” Vanessa asked.

“Um. I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Rick said, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Why not? Max doesn’t want to?” Vanessa turned away and reached behind to tug at the zipper at the back of her dress. “Could you help me here?”

Rick stepped forward and pushed Vanessa’s long hair over her shoulder to pull the zipper down for her. “I think he’d be open to it. It’s just...”

“ _You_ don’t want to,” Vanessa finished.

“No. I would, if he wanted to. But I don’t think marriage is an option in our case.” Rick stepped away and walked over to a rack of dresses, pretending to be interested in them.

Vanessa slipped out of her dress and draped it over an empty chair. She tugged a long-sleeved t-shirt on and stepped into her jeans. “Why not?”

“It’s a long story.” Rick added silently, _And I don’t want to talk about it._

Vanessa seemed to pick up the hint. “Okay, okay. I’ll drop it.” Vanessa looked around. “I’m starved. Let’s gather up the rest of the wedding party and get something to eat.”

-

“You’re awfully quiet tonight.”

Rick looked over. Max was next to him in bed, a sheet draped loosely over his legs, a book resting in his lap. Rick sighed.

“Just thinking,” Rick said.

He’d spent most of the night thinking about dress shopping with Vanessa, and listening to her talk about her future with Ryan, all the babies they’d have, the house they were going to raise those hypothetical babies in.

Rick had never been one to get too sentimental about the future, not even when he was a dude, but now that he _wasn’t_ one he couldn’t help thinking about everything he’d be missing out on.

Max put the book on the nightstand and reached over, letting his hand come to rest lightly on Rick’s bare arm. Rick looked at him, at Max’s hand on his arm, and covered it briefly with his own before pulling away and rolling onto his side.

Rick heard Max sigh behind him, felt his breath curl against the back of his neck. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing. Trapped in my own head again. Surprise.” Rick turned and smashed his face into his pillow like a petulant child.

Max’s palm slid down the middle of Rick’s back and then up slowly. “Something happen with Vanessa?”

Rick lifted his head. “I—I think I kind of hate her.” He paused, though, because that wasn’t right. He didn’t hate Vanessa. She was one of the few wives and girlfriends he could actually consider a friend. “I mean... I don’t actually hate her. I think I’m jealous of her.”

“Jealous of Vanessa? Why?”

Rick sat up and drew his knees to his chest. “She can get married, start a family. Have a future.”

Max shifted closer to Rick, until Rick could feel his body heat through the thin layers of their t-shirts. “You don’t think you have a future?”

Rick twisted against him until they were face to face. “Are you kidding me?”

“Rick, you have a—”

Rick pushed away from him and got out of bed. He started pacing, bare feet sinking into the carpet, leaving behind footprints that faded as quickly as they were made. “I’ll never get married or have a family of my own. I can’t really even get a job because I never went to college. And I can’t exactly play baseball for a living.”

Max got out of bed and came up behind Rick, getting an arm around him. Rick felt his chin press into his shoulder. “You do have a future.”

“I need something more than just...” Rick trailed off, leaving the rest unspoken.

Max sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Rick wanted to pull away but didn’t. Max’s breath was heavy and hot on his skin. Rick fell silent for a little while and just listened to the mingling of their breaths before speaking again. “Actually, it’s not fine. But what am I gonna do?”

“You could do something. You could get a job or travel or something. I don’t know.” Max tightened his arm around Rick’s waist.

Rick snorted. “Right.”

“Emily started taking ballroom dancing lessons last year, after she and Justin broke up, and now she’s traveling all over the place and doing competitions. You could find something like that. Something that you enjoy,” Max said.

Rick rolled his eyes. “I hate ballroom dancing.”

“I know. I didn’t mean...” Max trailed off. “The Tigers are having open tryouts next month, in Lakeland. You should do that.”

Rick turned around, pulling away from Max. “What? Are you insane?”

“What’s so insane about it, Rick?” Max asked, looking down, scratching at the inside of his elbow where Rick knew his old faded Tommy John scar was.

“I don’t have the right body, for one,” Rick said.

“Women try out sometimes,” Max said.

“I’m not—”

“I know, but I’m just saying. You could try out. Maybe someone will see something in you,” Max said, raising his head and meeting Rick’s gaze.

“What, you think I should try out just to hear them say ‘Sorry, we’d like to sign you but you’ve got tits’?” 

“Maybe you’ll... see something in yourself you forgot,” Max said.

Rick rubbed his palms together; even though he hadn’t thrown a baseball in a game situation in almost two years, his fingers still burned for it, for red stitches and white leather. His muscles ached for it.

“You think I could do it,” Rick said. It was a statement more than a question.

Max nodded, eyes lightening. “I know you could.”

“Everyone will laugh at me,” Rick said. He knew, though, if Max gave him another push he’d take the fall. The idea had latched onto him.

“They won’t.” Max reached out and closed his hands around Rick’s.

Rick glanced down at their hands, his smaller ones folded into Max’s, and then back up at Max. “What if I really make it big and go off to become this, like, kickass barnstorming chick ballplayer?” Rick asked, unable to help a smile from creeping onto his face.

The corner of Max’s mouth quirked up in a tiny half-smile. “We’ll figure something out.”

“I suppose we will,” Rick said, reaching out and rubbing his thumb over the crease between Max’s eyebrows.

Max smiled at him and Rick let his hand slip away.

For the first time in a long time, the future didn’t look like a dead end. When Rick closed his eyes, he could almost see high blue skies and feel green grass under his feet, could almost feel the sun warming on the back of his neck.

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


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